White Canvas

White canvas is easy to walk by and go unseen, but when there are colors and strokes of design attached, it's hard not to look. I feel like a white canvas right now in my love life. I'm very colorful in my new world of college adventures, but not feeling too pretty at home. Is it ever ridiculous to expect time together after a long day? Or, is it just assumed that all men would prefer a television and beer? I would like to consider myself a different  canvas, one that doesn't harp on your nor make you feel unwelcome. At times I can be moody and not want to be empathetic, but I make up for it when I'm not. Why do I feel ignored after being a genuinely amazing girlfriend on his birthday, for going above and beyond to get him something he never for-saw coming? I want to be applauded for it and thanked, but I just feel like a gift can never make someone see how much you care. It was practically my engagement ring to him.

I understand work is hard and he has a whole deal of pressure on him, but he needs to take a break and come home without having to think about yet again at home. Communication begins to dwindle when couples don't talk and well, we've had a lack of talking. I don't want to act like I'm being unsupportive of him working extremely hard, but I also don't want to feel ignored, nor sacrificed for his choices of how and when to do work.

I am not a white canvas, plain without texture, but I feel a little lopsided right now.

A Little Girl's Wish

Remember back to the time when you used to run into the corner and cry and mother would hold you to tell you it's alright? Remember the day when you first met your lover and they held you like it was the last time? There are no better feelings in the world, than to be held by another. We are human beings, physical creatures who long to be cared for through touch. As much as I can stand by those sweet memories of when I was talked to, or listened to, they cannot even compare to the times when I was touched. The steps into a brand new apartment with your soul mate feel like those first steps down the aisle; inconceivably precious. What happens when you go to sleep and although they are lying next to you, you feel like they're not there? I miss that feeling of being held so sweetly for the first time, that first kiss on the fourth date. I miss those butterflies when he would come over and they slowly faded away. Is it wrong, that I miss those childish feelings of a new relationship?

When you are in love, it's easy to find everything you hate about that person and all of those things you wish they would or wouldn't do. I am finding that I am as vulnerable as I was a teenage girl. I have never cared more about how he looks at me, how he doesn't look at me. How he sits on the couch without wanting me there, how he sleeps so far away from me. How he works on the computer while I'm next to him, staring at him and he won't look back until 30 seconds after I've been staring, asking for a kiss. HE HAS A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN NEXT TO HIM! DOES HE NOT SEE ME? Truth be told, I'm jealous. I'm jealous that I'm not what his world revolves around, but I am what his world revolves around. I guess what I'm trying to say is I miss that obscure outrageous attention I used to get when we would see each other outside of living together. I miss when he would come over and tell me how beautiful I looked and how my apartment felt like home; how he wanted to pin me to the bed and make love to me before eating dinner.

Things are different now, now that we live together. I'm loving and enjoying ever minute we share together, but it's so different. And what makes it even worse is that we are not married, so it makes me feel like I'm not bound to him through a lawful contract. AND HOW AWFUL DOES THAT SOUND? I don't know if you really get what I'm saying here, but if I were married to him before we moved in together, I would feel a little more at ease, that he had more faith and commitment in the relationship. I know he takes this "moving in together" thing seriously, but at times I wonder, can he see that I truly love him and would love to marry him? I don't know. Sometimes I want to just say it, but I can't. Because it's fucking crazy. Regardless, I think I'll just move on with this post and ask, is it shameful to miss those childish butterflies?

To Settle or Not to Settle

The 10th floor up, sitting on your balcony in downtown Manhattan, where rent costs $3,500 for a 650 square foot, 1 bedroom apartment. Have you made it? Are you truly successful? Most women would say yes, as long as it's accompanied by several pairs of Jimmy Choo's, a mink coat or two, and an annual income of $250,000.

The first floor, sitting on a rug in the living room, in Santa Fe, cost of living is $150,000 for a 3 bedroom  house. Have you made it? With a a family of 4, an annual income of $40,000 and a half stained shirt from Marshalls. Which scenario would you adopt as successful and why?

Is it this outstanding image in our mind, that as American women we should have it all? The material success that's tattooed across our asses saying, "Juicy," the burberry printed tote, the Bulgari white diamond encrusted necklace that your husband bought you for your 5th anniversary. Is that what success has created? This divine image of perfection wrapped in cellophane as we trot along with our daughters dressed in Lilly Pulitzer baby shift dresses. It's become a fascinating topic for me this evening as  examine each of these scenarios and which seems more "successful." It's honestly hard for me to say that I wouldn't prefer the first scenario, as living in Manhattan, where the food is outstanding, the fashion prime, and the nightlife is never ending. Then I think to myself, would that buy me all of the success and happiness that building a family would? Never.

As women, we must truly dig inside ourselves and question what it is that we truly want? No, I'm not saying to you, the woman who chose the first scenario, you are a bitch, because you're not. Some women just have different priorities and as we move our ways into this world as becoming more powerful individuals, we will exercise our freedom in all senses. It's not like the typical man, who wants a woman who is going to surrender her liberty, is around anymore. A man wants a woman who is strong in her stance, knows what she is going after and accomplishes it. The standards for women have changed and ladies, I think it's best that we show this world a powerful, strong woman. 

As for tonight, I will keep pondering what it is that truly defines success, because at first, I thought it was anything that constitutes one's happiness. Now, I'm not quite sure.

Where is the Sun?

         I want a desk by the window with flowers sitting on top; a photograph of my dog and I at the park. I want quiet and the ability to think and process information. I want to feel comfortable walking around without my bra on and a makeup-less face. I want to cook whenever I want and exercise whenever I want. I want to be a stay-at-home-mother and enjoy raising my children. I am approaching twenty and I want life to be fabulous wherever I may be within the next year. Is that too much to ask for?
         I don't want to stare at my phone waiting for you to call me back. I want to know that you will be there even when I put up a fuss. I want you to bring me a good chick-flick, chocolate and a bouquet of flowers when I am on my period. I want you to cuddle with me before and after we have sex. I want you boast my presence when we are out in public. I want you to love me even if I'm being a bitch. Is that too much to ask for?
         It seems as though I've arrived at the understanding that women do just need more. We need more emotionally and we need to understand that we are loved and worth the extra fifteen miles for a hug in the middle of the road. But when is it too much?

Is Honking Your Horn Rude?

               When you live in a city full of careless drivers, you can't help but become infuriated when a 49 year old woman decides to pull out of the driveway 200 feet in front of you as you are making your way 40 miles an hour down a major road. So, in this case, what do you do? Do you simply slam on your brakes, making the road more accessible to that ludicrous driver? Do you switch lanes instantaneously hoping not to take the life of the driver you are about to cut off? Or do you make one to six loud honks with your horn communicating to that driver that she is an utter asshole? I chose to take path three and communicated to her and 4 other drivers today. Nothing is more liberating than expressing your right to safety on the road and identifying when it is acceptable to cut off a driver and when it is acceptable to shove it up their ass. Forgive my French, but when did people begin to drive with such diminishing respect towards one another in their the community of drivers that they join everyday. I look at it as a neighborhood and see friends in the drivers seats. In Nashville, drivers are the empyrean of all enemies.
             All I can wonder is if we choose to travel to such extreme lengths to get to our destinations so carelessly, how do we treat one another outside of our driving measures? If Nashville is our canvas and the roads pave our routes to our destinations, then why is it, if we all travel the same road, then why we do so in a reckless manner? When you choose to take the responsibility of operating a vehicle on an public road in the United States, you chances of death increase by 40 percent. One in 10,000 people who operated a vehicle in 2010 died of a motor vehicle accident. These are accidents. Yet, if the majority of people taking responsibility over their vehicles intentionally choose to drive so dangerously, how can we certify these as accidents. Is it when we collide with the vehicle and cause them to spin out of control hitting the railing in the middle of the interstate because we were trying to pass the insanely sluggish Ford focus in front of us and realize that an actual human being is sitting that vehicle unconscious? Is that what measure we have to arrive at in order to understand that we all deserve to have a safe environment on the road?
            Ultimately, it is your choice when you take the reigns to your vehicle. Am I going to honk my horn to notify my right to safety or is it just rude?

The 1950's Housewife

            Doesn't it seem a bit absurd to drop everything you are doing, the environment surrounding you, the friends, the connections, the opportunities, the residency you just obtained for a man? Absolutely! By all means a woman who would choose to do so would have to be in an induced coma resulting from this so-called love affair. So why do I find myself placing in precisely the same situation? More interestingly, I didn't come to college to find a man I would fall in love with, a struggle with declaring a major, nor the idea of connecting with so many wonderful families within the community. I came to college with the simple intent of obtaining a degree in songwriting and becoming a world renowned singer/songwriter. Funny how I ended up taking such a different turn than I had ever expected. Now I am finally coming to an understanding of what I want to do with my life and where I feel that I will find the best suite for a professional career.
          "You don't have to be a shell, you're the one that rules your world. You are strong and you'll learn that you can still go on. You'll always be a pearl." Katy Perry protests that any woman should fall into the trap of a man who takes that peal and locks her up in a shell where she can't shine. Thus, here I am in the same situation sincerely wondering if I should follow a man and expect that things will just work out. I want to be an optimist who focuses all of my energy on what could go well but the realistic side of me is greatly weighing down all of the cons.
           At what age and time is it deemed appropriate for a woman to follow in the foot steps of a man and give up her prior goals and images of a future to be with him? Is that germane after 2 years of a relationship when marriage is expected? Or how about if you are 55 years old and just recently divorced and are sure that the person you found through match.com is your soul mate? Or how about if you have been dating for 7 months and still see this person as your soul mate? Is it just ludicrous? I will begin to weight the pros and cons of the idea. Is this man worth it? How will he support me in this decision? Will there be any commitment that will benefit both of us in the remote future?

Do Men Want a Princess?

          I'm beginning to wonder if men truly want a woman who is feminine and put together a majority of the time; a woman who exemplifies all true values of her feminine side? Or is it that men appreciate a woman who expresses her honest side and flaunts her strength? Some men are impressed by a woman who burps because she is not afraid of her biological anatomy, while some men are offended if a woman farts. Women are at a crucial stand in history right now in defining our place in society. We are now expected to work full-time yet still manage a family, pick up our kids from school, ensure they grow up appropriately. Where do we draw the line?

         What is it that men really want from us? Do they expect us to be exactly similar to their mother and care for them the way they were cared for? Do they expect us to be that fairytale princess or model exuding extreme levels of confidence? Do they expect us to be curvy or thin as a hanger sitting on the rack backstage for New York's fashion week? I find it interesting that just 50 years ago, Marilyn Monroe was the epitome of beautiful. A full figured woman measuring a size 8 with hips, a rear, and a chest was considered a model. Where has that image fallen today? A size 0-4 is where we are expected to be. This is contradicting our anatomy as women. How are we expected to be so small yet still be capable of child-bearing. 

          Yet the same question appears over and over. What is it that men are initially drawn to? All men are different, just as every woman is different, the outer appearance to a man is usually the main aspect of his initial draw out of the deck. It is by nature, instinctively that a man wants an attractive woman and why not? I too, need to have a physical attraction to my partner or the chemistry simply falls apart. 

          If you, similar to all other women, continue to search for what men want you will be endlessly disappointed. There is no easy answer. That is why I always say, smile, walk with elegance, (or attempt to, as I do) be yourself, and make yourself seem approachable. A man wants a woman who is sure of her identity and does not need to be reminded that she is amazing. Women love to hear it, but don't doubt that if he doesn't say it that he isn't thinking it. Men are always taught growing up that they must shield their emotion, keep to themselves, and restrain from violence. Naturally when a little boy wants to cry, their mother will say suck it up, you just fell down, it will heal. We shut off that sensory receptor to communicate their emotion. So women, be easy on your man, he will say how he feels if you ask him to and don't interrogate him. 

Oh Thank You

            Thank you! Thank you for all that you've given me. Thank you for all of the moments we spend together, for every chance I get to have a kiss, for every chance I get to hold your hand. Thank you for those things that maybe you aren't always able to do, but you never fail to remind me of how much you would love to do them.

           When was the last time you thanked your special someone for all that they do for you? When did you last remind them of how grateful you are for everything that they do for you? It's so easy to get caught up in everything we receive on a daily basis and let it go without recognition. It is my challenge that you seek out today a thank you for everything that you receive today and for a simple reminder to those around you of how ultimately grateful you truly are.
 
         In those moments when we neglect to thank others for everything, is the moment when they feel unappreciated and the relationship slowly begins to decimate. Those small clusters of words can truly keep a relationship healthy. Every moment is worth the celebration. Every chance that you get to tell someone of how much they mean, ensure that you take advantage of it and never overlook it.

The Insane Idea of Marriage

                A beautiful white dress, delicate, intricate, breath-takingly magnificent, on a day in mid-spring or mid-fall, where the flowers have begun to bloom or the leaves have reached the end of their life span. With a Tiffany Lucida with a diamond band. Or maybe a Cartier Ballerine Solitaire, size 5 3/4. I want to get married to no, not the perfect man, but to my best friend. Maybe somewhere in Greece overlooking the Aegean Sea. That wouldn't fit the description of fresh spring or mid fall. I want a wedding that is simplistic, intimate, and enjoyable. I want there to be some comedy, but a great deal of sincerity. Dreaming that I'll ever get proposed to... Lord only knows if that will happen. My wonderful boyfriend mentioned that he thought Savannah, Georgia would be a great place to get married. I just sat down to look at some images through Google and found he is most definitely right. It is a town that is almost frozen in time. It's a very green town and has a unique old, quaint feel to it. To think about a wedding is every little girl's dream. To be honest, I've never quite given it that much thought. I just know that I would want a very small wedding, not to impress but to welcome all new family together and enjoy one another's company.

              If I ever make it that far in a relationship, I will be so blessed. Thus far in life, I'm just going to enjoy what I have and take every day as it comes. God has blessed me with so much already, too much good to dream of ever looking for something better. Keep watering that garden, as more plants will grow with the sun shine and you will have more than just a beautiful backyard.

I am Selfish

What is in this relationship that I can benefit from? Am I happy? Am I satisfied in just spending time with him? Because the minute that I have one difficulty or maybe disagree with him, it seems like it is no longer going to work. We seem to function in this way always, as women. Look at all of the divorce rates in America and how quickly they have escalated in the past 50 years. We are done putting our two cents and expect a harmonious relationship naturally. Yes, you should find someone that you are happy with, who makes you feel like a Queen, and loves you endlessly, but does that mean that at times you are going to receive nothing? Of course! You cannot expect a 50/50 relationship constantly. There are going to be times (that is if you are in a committed life-long relationship) where you have kids and it's 60/40; times when you always take the kids to soccer practice & always drive them around and your husband doesn't because he's too busy making a living to support the family, 70/30. It may not ever feel like enough until you learn to appreciate and understand them for what they are and what they have to offer.

Maybe 10 years down the road, you may not have that spicy romance, may not have that lush wild sex, may not have that peace and quite before bed, but you also have developed such a friendship with your partner over that time. Over the past 10 years you have learned more about each other through every bicker, through every phone call, through every conversation before bed, through each welcoming of a new child, through each meal at the dinner table. We have to be so careful with relationships because now we are all giving up more quickly and easily saying that well I am not happy in this relationship. Then you proceed to a new relationship and find that you are not happy, so you leave once again, when in reality your perception of happiness is only found within an obscured fairytale.

The best marriages I have seen are between those two who are best friends prior to marriage.  It is only conspicuous because these two already have a clear understanding of one another and find that they have enough in common to love each other on a brother/sister level. They watch out for one another, understand when they are upset and how to lift them up. They are best friends because they share everything with one another and trust each other equally.

What I am trying to say underneath these sheets is do not look for what you can take from the relationship, but rather what you can and are willing to give. Give at your own will and never expect anything. We seek relationships in life that are equal where we can give and find happiness in our mate. Continue to search for that but also never forget that he may not show his love the same way that you do. Behind all of the sweet surprise gifts and amazing meals that you may prepare for him, he may show his love by simply being present. Men are simple and women are complex. Let's make it easier on them and appreciate them for all they are and remind them of what a great job they are doing. I dare you!

Nashville & All It's Glory

Pardon me if I'm not driving 15 miles over the speed limit. Excuse me if I follow the speed limit when metro is driving next to me on the interstate. STOP TAILGATING ME! It's not funny and I understand that you may be impatient, but that is no excuse for this appalling behavior! You're driving in an audi, impala, infinity, or mercedes and you think that while you are in that vehicle you are King of the world.   If you would just merge appropriately and not try to pass me because you think that you will be faster than the rest of traffic on this one lane road you wouldn't be so frustrated all the time when you drive. I just want to get a bumper sticker for my car that says, "Chill the fuck out. You're just driving," People do not understand in the city of Nashville how to drive. I am not going to speak out and say that I am a wonderfully amazing driver, because I too, am new to the driving world. With only 3 years of experience under my belt, I've still got a heaping amount of learning to do. Regardless people do not understand what a yield sign means and they just pull out in front of you whilst you're driving 45 miles an hour. And what's up with people not using their blinkers, just slowing down 400 feet before their turn and going 20 mph, and without signal just turn. It's so frustrating! Drivers need to communicate with one another and treat each other as neighbors would. It's almost as if people are performing mass murders while they are driving.

I even have a bumper sticker that says, "If you tailgate me I'll flick a booger on your windshield." I really don't think that people believe me when I say that; its nearly more encouraging for their disrespectful behavior. Oh Lord. So, I have started using my horn. Yes, you read that correctly. I am venturing out in this town to use my horn to get people to understand that they are being horrible drivers. I used it on the interstate the other day when someone cut me off and they got frightened. Yes! I am talking to you & yes I am upset that you just pulled in front of me with barely any space between me and the care in front of me. He used his blinker for the next move! One driver at a time, one driver at a time is all it takes. Nashville I'm coming for you! If you see me driving my Honda CR-V green, with a "Keep Tahoe Blue", "Italia Soccer", "Nashville State", and "If you tailgate me, I'll flick a booger on your windshield" sticker, give me a wave and I might, just might flip you off, depending on if you've read this blog and are performing such actions.

Oh Nashville, together, we can change these terrible drivers.

Not Satisfied?

How can we ask for more when there is nothing to give. Love is not your typical duty nor chore. It cannot provide nor can it satisfy. There is nothing to give when you are in love, but your heart. I find it funny that so many people run away from love because they think they need more. I was one of them, but does it count if I was sixteen? Many people have this idea of a beautiful romance with red roses, fancy nights out to dinner, surprise chocolates. It's all so luxurious and people begin to forget that in none of that can you find delight. Through actions, through memories, through pure silence, through arguments of nothingness, you find love. 

If love is composed of one soul within two bodies, then why do we need all of these artificial gifts to make us feel loved? I still can't come up with an answer for that one because I too, want all of these false reminders that I am loved. It's not rocket science, women love to feel appreciated for our selfless works.  Seeing a man and all he has to offer, is clearly not enough for women at this current place in time. Women have finally been given the opportunity to discover their abilities and showcase their talents in todays society. We understand our worth and no longer see ourselves as purely caretakers. 

I am reminded now more than ever how blessed I am to have the relationship that I have, to be reminded of all I am worth, and to feel satisfied in time spent together. What we as women need to understand is that love is not a concoction of superficial deeds, rather a simple gift to be taken as each day comes.