A Little Girl's Wish

Remember back to the time when you used to run into the corner and cry and mother would hold you to tell you it's alright? Remember the day when you first met your lover and they held you like it was the last time? There are no better feelings in the world, than to be held by another. We are human beings, physical creatures who long to be cared for through touch. As much as I can stand by those sweet memories of when I was talked to, or listened to, they cannot even compare to the times when I was touched. The steps into a brand new apartment with your soul mate feel like those first steps down the aisle; inconceivably precious. What happens when you go to sleep and although they are lying next to you, you feel like they're not there? I miss that feeling of being held so sweetly for the first time, that first kiss on the fourth date. I miss those butterflies when he would come over and they slowly faded away. Is it wrong, that I miss those childish feelings of a new relationship?

When you are in love, it's easy to find everything you hate about that person and all of those things you wish they would or wouldn't do. I am finding that I am as vulnerable as I was a teenage girl. I have never cared more about how he looks at me, how he doesn't look at me. How he sits on the couch without wanting me there, how he sleeps so far away from me. How he works on the computer while I'm next to him, staring at him and he won't look back until 30 seconds after I've been staring, asking for a kiss. HE HAS A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN NEXT TO HIM! DOES HE NOT SEE ME? Truth be told, I'm jealous. I'm jealous that I'm not what his world revolves around, but I am what his world revolves around. I guess what I'm trying to say is I miss that obscure outrageous attention I used to get when we would see each other outside of living together. I miss when he would come over and tell me how beautiful I looked and how my apartment felt like home; how he wanted to pin me to the bed and make love to me before eating dinner.

Things are different now, now that we live together. I'm loving and enjoying ever minute we share together, but it's so different. And what makes it even worse is that we are not married, so it makes me feel like I'm not bound to him through a lawful contract. AND HOW AWFUL DOES THAT SOUND? I don't know if you really get what I'm saying here, but if I were married to him before we moved in together, I would feel a little more at ease, that he had more faith and commitment in the relationship. I know he takes this "moving in together" thing seriously, but at times I wonder, can he see that I truly love him and would love to marry him? I don't know. Sometimes I want to just say it, but I can't. Because it's fucking crazy. Regardless, I think I'll just move on with this post and ask, is it shameful to miss those childish butterflies?

To Settle or Not to Settle

The 10th floor up, sitting on your balcony in downtown Manhattan, where rent costs $3,500 for a 650 square foot, 1 bedroom apartment. Have you made it? Are you truly successful? Most women would say yes, as long as it's accompanied by several pairs of Jimmy Choo's, a mink coat or two, and an annual income of $250,000.

The first floor, sitting on a rug in the living room, in Santa Fe, cost of living is $150,000 for a 3 bedroom  house. Have you made it? With a a family of 4, an annual income of $40,000 and a half stained shirt from Marshalls. Which scenario would you adopt as successful and why?

Is it this outstanding image in our mind, that as American women we should have it all? The material success that's tattooed across our asses saying, "Juicy," the burberry printed tote, the Bulgari white diamond encrusted necklace that your husband bought you for your 5th anniversary. Is that what success has created? This divine image of perfection wrapped in cellophane as we trot along with our daughters dressed in Lilly Pulitzer baby shift dresses. It's become a fascinating topic for me this evening as  examine each of these scenarios and which seems more "successful." It's honestly hard for me to say that I wouldn't prefer the first scenario, as living in Manhattan, where the food is outstanding, the fashion prime, and the nightlife is never ending. Then I think to myself, would that buy me all of the success and happiness that building a family would? Never.

As women, we must truly dig inside ourselves and question what it is that we truly want? No, I'm not saying to you, the woman who chose the first scenario, you are a bitch, because you're not. Some women just have different priorities and as we move our ways into this world as becoming more powerful individuals, we will exercise our freedom in all senses. It's not like the typical man, who wants a woman who is going to surrender her liberty, is around anymore. A man wants a woman who is strong in her stance, knows what she is going after and accomplishes it. The standards for women have changed and ladies, I think it's best that we show this world a powerful, strong woman. 

As for tonight, I will keep pondering what it is that truly defines success, because at first, I thought it was anything that constitutes one's happiness. Now, I'm not quite sure.