Remember back to the time when you used to run into the corner and cry and mother would hold you to tell you it's alright? Remember the day when you first met your lover and they held you like it was the last time? There are no better feelings in the world, than to be held by another. We are human beings, physical creatures who long to be cared for through touch. As much as I can stand by those sweet memories of when I was talked to, or listened to, they cannot even compare to the times when I was touched. The steps into a brand new apartment with your soul mate feel like those first steps down the aisle; inconceivably precious. What happens when you go to sleep and although they are lying next to you, you feel like they're not there? I miss that feeling of being held so sweetly for the first time, that first kiss on the fourth date. I miss those butterflies when he would come over and they slowly faded away. Is it wrong, that I miss those childish feelings of a new relationship?
When you are in love, it's easy to find everything you hate about that person and all of those things you wish they would or wouldn't do. I am finding that I am as vulnerable as I was a teenage girl. I have never cared more about how he looks at me, how he doesn't look at me. How he sits on the couch without wanting me there, how he sleeps so far away from me. How he works on the computer while I'm next to him, staring at him and he won't look back until 30 seconds after I've been staring, asking for a kiss. HE HAS A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN NEXT TO HIM! DOES HE NOT SEE ME? Truth be told, I'm jealous. I'm jealous that I'm not what his world revolves around, but I am what his world revolves around. I guess what I'm trying to say is I miss that obscure outrageous attention I used to get when we would see each other outside of living together. I miss when he would come over and tell me how beautiful I looked and how my apartment felt like home; how he wanted to pin me to the bed and make love to me before eating dinner.
Things are different now, now that we live together. I'm loving and enjoying ever minute we share together, but it's so different. And what makes it even worse is that we are not married, so it makes me feel like I'm not bound to him through a lawful contract. AND HOW AWFUL DOES THAT SOUND? I don't know if you really get what I'm saying here, but if I were married to him before we moved in together, I would feel a little more at ease, that he had more faith and commitment in the relationship. I know he takes this "moving in together" thing seriously, but at times I wonder, can he see that I truly love him and would love to marry him? I don't know. Sometimes I want to just say it, but I can't. Because it's fucking crazy. Regardless, I think I'll just move on with this post and ask, is it shameful to miss those childish butterflies?
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